Thanksgiving for my Alexis

As I was reflecting on my blessings at this time of year, I am thinking about Alexis and the indelible mark she has left on our family. I don't have much tangible evidence that she was a part of our earthly family for a short while. Sometimes it is hard to believe she was even here. I miss her and I know all our children do as well. As we were watching LDS General Conference this fall, Elder Shayne M. Bowen spoke about feelings of sorrow, loneliness, and despair being swallowed up in joy because of the Savior. I want to include an excerpt from his talk that made me think so much of Alexis and the joy we can have because we are a forever family.
     "At that moment it felt as if our world had come to an end. How could we return to the other children and somehow try to explain that Tyson wasn’t coming home?

I will speak in the singular as I relate the rest of this experience. My angel wife and I experienced this trial together, but I am inadequate in expressing the feelings of a mother and would not even try to do so.

It is impossible to describe the mixture of feelings that I had at that point in my life. Most of the time I felt as if I were in a bad dream and that I would soon wake up and this terrible nightmare would be over. For many nights I didn’t sleep. I often wandered in the night from one room to the other, making sure that our other children were all safe.

Feelings of guilt racked my soul. I felt so guilty. I felt dirty. I was his father; I should have done more to protect him. If only I would have done this or that. Sometimes even today, 22 years later, those feelings begin to creep into my heart, and I need to get rid of them quickly because they can be destructive.

About a month after Tyson died, I had an interview with Elder Dean L. Larsen. He took the time to listen to me, and I will always be grateful for his counsel and love. He said, “I don’t think the Lord would want you to punish yourself for the death of your little boy.” I felt the love of my Heavenly Father through one of his chosen vessels.

However, tormenting thoughts continued to plague me, and I soon began to feel anger. “This isn’t fair! How could God do this to me? Why me? What did I do to deserve this?” I even felt myself get angry with people who were just trying to comfort us. I remember friends saying, “I know how you feel.” I would think to myself, “You have no idea how I feel. Just leave me alone.” I soon found that self-pity can also be very debilitating. I was ashamed of myself for having unkind thoughts about dear friends who were only trying to help.

As I felt the guilt, anger, and self-pity trying to consume me, I prayed that my heart could change. Through very personal sacred experiences, the Lord gave me a new heart, and even though it was still lonely and painful, my whole outlook changed. I was given to know that I had not been robbed but rather that there was a great blessing awaiting me if I would prove faithful.

My life started to change, and I was able to look forward with hope, rather than look backward with despair. I testify that this life is not the end. The spirit world is real. The teachings of the prophets regarding life after death are true. This life is but a transitory step forward on our journey back to our Heavenly Father." (Bowen, S. M., 2012 retrieved from http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2012/10/because-i-live-ye-shall-live-also?lang=eng)

We know that she will always be a part of our family. Elder Bowen's feelings of despair and guilt are very similar to what mine were. It took years to get past the anger and guilt. We love her, miss her and look forward to the day when we can be reunited as a family. I know she is looking out for us from the other side of the veil and I am sure she had several long discussions about how to handle her parents with Tori and Connor before they joined our family.

Every year at Christmas, we still hang her stocking. We allow anyone who would like to share a personal note with her, to write her one and slip it in her stocking. Some years, there is nothing, others, her sock is full. This year, I will be sharing a poem I wrote her when I was taking a creative poetry writing course. I know, anyone who knows me, knows poetry is not my bag, so don't judge. But, I though I would share it here with you as well.

• Wanting
  Pain crushes me to the ground as
  the lid closes on the coffin and 
  Flashes!
  of the brief life just
  extinguished pass before me.
  Things I have taken fro granted, 
  stolen away in the night.
  The warm, fuzzy smell of sleep, nights of sleeplessness,
  sunshine smiles just for me,
  teething screams that jar my ears,
  tottering first steps,
  potty training,
  waiting up late to talk after a first date,
  nights of curfew breaking that I can't fight over,
  the wedding and joy we can't share,
  arguments that I can't afford to lose.
  Moments of my child's life
  gone.
  I am given no explanations.
  It is hard for me to accept comfort.
  I can only hold on to the feel 
  of her in my arms,
  safe and secure,
  and have faith that one day
  it will come again. 
  
  
  Alexis, we love you baby, and Happy Holidays!